"what is your muse, *****? why do you do.. art?? as you call it..?"
pink skies begin to rise with the fog from the valley crevices that greet your view from oh-so-far below. looking down makes you feel like falling, but it's just so beautiful.
"well, i will admit it took many years for myself to be able to express this idea in human linguistic syntax, but i have finally arrived at a point where i am confident, completely confident- in my response, reason, logic... everything i can say about this subject truly resonates in the core essence of what makes me, well.. me!"
be careful not to get it started on what "me" is exactly... theres a few answers to that question, if you catch my drift...
"as long as i can remember, i have always been a distinctly melancholy creature. i don't know why, it just is. i blame death, now that i think about it... i believe it is the heavy looming sense of despair, the utter loss of control, and the inevitable loneliness that knowing one's mortality brings. always so many more questions no matter how many answers you successfully seek..."
a shimmering light comes golden, erupting from the horizon like a laser on a plane- flat out, and all at once, as if it was put there-just now-to measure whether or not the area was true to a planar level.
"this brings me to the point of loneliness. oh loneliness. curse it, one-thousand-and-one times. it is my end. it is my one true fear. it is beautiful and horrible all at once, for it is the intrinsic apex of the big *why* in my creation and living through art."
you suddenly experience synesthesia, paired with a feeling of doom, it is all at once encompassing, smothering, can you even take a breath..?
"no shit you can breathe! did you think you were dying again? here, take my hand... i am here with you, you are safe, your mind cannot trick you with the cruel and futile device named anxiety any longer. we are together here- not alone."
matronly serenity, a warmth like none other, a homely and comforting feeling akin to a campfire's subtle heat from just the right distance, only everything else in the world at that moment is totally frigid- this is now what you know from your senses perspective, their choice in your reality-lens. fickle little things. feelings.
"feelings, yes feelings. bane of myself and all others, at some point or another. the bad ones are the ones that teach us the most of ourselves, believe it or not. i find solace in agony. terror is a blanket like none other to comfort me. the sheer stabbing void in my chest called loneliness, or even- 'fear of abandonment'- is my favorite, and my most hated sensation. it is agony, cold and pure. hopelessness with a cognitive dissonance so piercing that i cannot see any other outcome but true death. this feeling, the lack of understanding between two people, the hedgehogs dilemma, evangelion, the third impact of genesis adam lillithia, dare i say-"
love.
one breath. light.
l o v e .....
requited love.
"you love me too?"
"of course, i couldn't have it any other way if i wanted to."
an embrace like none other is that of a requited and-if only for a moment- totally mutually understood lover.
holy. love.
yes, love.
love is the flame of my horrid crucible, my motivator. art is my human mating dance, my avian flash of bright feathers to signal to my mate that, yes- i understand your deepest philosophical dilemma, yes- i understand what makes you YOU. Yourself. God, and everything in between.
understanding.
the valley of love, understand me.
familiarity comes soon after.
too much.
I CANT STOP I WONT LET GO
contempt. grudge. hatred.
these hellian forms creep in, and where love gave you the utmost glee and fullfilment, these nasty things will equally or greater so take them away.
my art is a cry forth from the void created in love's abscence, in the abscence of understanding, also.
ultimate frustration.
rage.
misunderstood.
more rage.
need for a cataclysm, violence ?
a hug...
a hug never given turns into a great tragedy, where every bad feeling i have ever had all come together and either create something so glorious i cannot begin to touch its true meaning, or- all forbid- it brings forth agrabbhek- jyggalag zu sheoth, the head of the tails...
apocalypse.
art.
the difference is hard to discern on most days.
wisdom of mine is mostly seated in retrospect.
does nobody else see the same world as i?
"don't let go! even if it seems delusion, never give up hope!! be let down, over and over again, relentlessly! do not lose hope! steady your heart and keep on going! the moment you know the feeling i embody, you will know every iota of pain was truly and totally worth it!!!"
eonsandeonsandeonsandmore pass right through, beside, and behind me. dust, arcane dust.... emptiness so hollow it can resonate a constant howl like wind but lesser....
....
...
h....hello?....
....
..
how lonely it is
to know
what every single person i meet
wants, feels, needs, expects
to predict them
at every turn
and be right.
how lonely it is to be a mirror
never reconized outright.
will i ever look into another mirror and see me?
or will the rest continuously gaze
right through and past what makes myself *me*..?